Christmas Day 2023

Christmas this year was a bit of a non-event. We didn't have any holiday travel planned (thank you peak time pricing), and with my impending travel back home, we are in the get-ready-for-a-six-week single- adult household mood. I love a good Hallmark holiday movie as much as the next person, but I am feeling a sort of ennui from the in-your-face holiday celebratory mood that makes me rebellious against the festive spirit. There is a random "I am not excited for festivals from my religion, why should I be excited for Christmas" mood in the mix as well. 

I woke up this morning at 3 am (random general anxiety) and found it really difficult to fall asleep. I read that the 3 am thing was real and there is a link to elevated cortisol (stress hormone) levels and the body thinking it is time to wake up earlier than it should. Sleep finally hit at 7:30 and wound up sleeping the additional three hours afterward. 

We had a relaxed day - cooked lunch, ate together as a family, and wound up having a fun time learning Tamil together, at the expense of Duolingo (spoiler alert: do not lean on Duolingo to learn Tamil). 

I then stepped out for my usual walk when it was still daylight outside, and it was approaching dusk. I started to listen to Brene Brown's "Gifts of Imperfection". I ran the first mile and had encountered a few fellow pedestrians who were waving out to me. I took my airpods out to hear what they were saying, turns out they were wishing me Happy Holidays. Now that I knew the drill, I made sure to slow down and wish everyone I met.  

When I got to the bridge over Wellesley Hills Station, I walked past what looked like a homeless person. I wished them Happy Holidays and walked past them, I heard them continue to talk to me. I stopped, took out my airpods out and went to talk to them. We spoke for a bit. I listened to her (I learnt) about her plans over the next few days. She seemed bummed out after a recent blood test where she found out she had no white blood cells (she thought she could have AIDS because she had been with a guy even though she was a lesbian). She spoke of a long list of things she wanted to do - get checked into the Wellesley hospital, talk to a social worker, find an AA meeting and get herself a sponsor, get her teeth fixed so she could find a job. She didn't have a car or a phone, she had ten dollars that she was planning to buy her next pack of cigarettes with. But she had a plan to get to the hospital this evening, and to use the library internet to find a meeting (she knew the library would open at 8 am tomorrow). I got to know her name, told her mine that she took a little effort to pronounce correctly, wished her luck, and was on my way. 

For the rest of my walk I continued to listen to Brene Brown talk about courage, compassion and connection. She spoke at length about the inherent human need for connection, the courage to be vulnerable, and also how to show up with compassion. It is a well researched perspective that she describes very eloquently. As I listened to her speak, I reflected on my interaction with Rachel, the homeless person I had encountered earlier. I wondered if that was the best I could have done in the situation. 

On another day I might have just walked past her without a second thought, if it weren't for the five other people who were spreading the holiday cheer, this would have been a non-event. There was a fair bit of judgment coming from me as I heard her speak (she is never going to get through the list she has), and I was possibly condescending when I told her to focus on the next couple of steps and get them through as she worked through the list. Worry set in when she mentioned possible pneumonia that she needed to get checked out. I was going home to be with my dad who is undergoing chemotherapy and I ought to be really careful not to bring him any infections. 

All in all, I don't have an answer to whether I could have done better. I think I did the best I could, at the time, and sometimes that's all we can work with.