Birthday Reflections

It is my birthday in the time zone I was born in, so it is already my birthday. It has been 44 years since I entered this world, and today is a celebration of that fact. How do I feel on my birthday, more specifically, what do I feel?

The overwhelming emotion I feel is a profound sense of loss and grief. The two individuals that were responsible for my birth, and to whom I owe this day to, are both gone. It has been three birthdays since Amma passed, and it is the first since Appa passed. That I am marking a birthday without them, feels empty and void. 

Amma's passing was all about Amma. The months following Amma's death I missed her so much, I remembered her words, her face, her mannerisms, her food, and everything that I could not have anymore. Appa's passing has been different for me. It is now all about me. That I no longer have the benefit, the privilege, of having my parents around. That I am left to fend for myself without the anchors I had taken for granted, that I had assumed would be my forever companions. I lie. I don't think I ever thought about them as forever companions. I had not assumed anything. It had not crossed my mind that a day would come when they won't be there. I am certainly not prepared for it.

Moving on, from this permanent, but every morphing picture of grief, what else am I feeling this birthday? A sense that I ought to be celebrating something, not clear what, but also not clear how. I think there is a lot to celebrate. I do feel a deep sense of gratitude, that I am here on this earth for a purpose, and I have lived either to serve the purpose or in pursuit of it, so a day that commemorates a milestone is worth celebrating. 

But I struggle with how to celebrate. Getting new things for an occasion used to be fun, but in the consumerist world we live in that indulges one's need for instant gratification, I can't think of anything I need or want that I can afford and I don't have. I wish I could say that experiences are different, but they really aren't. You think you want to do something, there is no waiting for a special occasion to do it. 

The book I am currently listening to, Sovereign Love by Dene Logan, says something like this. The ego asks, what do I want and how can I get it. The soul asks how can I be of service. I am paraphrasing, and I am probably even misrepresenting what she said. But maybe that is the direction I am headed in? That I ought to look for a higher purpose and figure out how to be in service of that purpose? Well, that is some interesting soul searching to do. A fit purpose for a birthday!



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