What's in a name?

 This blog used to be titled "Musings of a self-confessed geek", and the URL "mostlygibberish.blogspot.com". I had started this blog circa 2008, and the blog identity I had created for my writing reflected my self-perception at the time. As I resurfaced this blog last year, I had been feeling that I didn't like the name. It would irk me every time I looked at the title of the blog, or when I would share the URL with you all. I felt that it didn't fully reflect who I am.  Who I am is an elusive concept I am still grappling with, but I know that I don't write gibberish, and I certainly do not identify with the geek description, much less the self-confessed part of it. Whenever the annoyance increased, I would ask the question - if not this then what?, and I said this would stay until I organically came up with a better one. 

Having been raised in a culture that appreciates humility, especially in a woman, it had become a practiced art to show up as less than oneself. Don't shine too much lest you make others uncomfortable, was the dance I was taught early on. I got used to excessively correcting myself, being the first to take up blame (it's easier to put yourself down than be put down by others), giving others a lot more kindness that I would afford myself, and specializing in the self-deprecating brand of humor. Sometimes this would show up as under-confidence, other times as fake humility. Interestingly, a lot of this behavior was not even conscious. So the "mostly-gibberish" part of the URL didn't even sound jarring until recently. 

Cultivating authenticity has been part of the personal growth process for me. I have several role models to thank, for their role in this journey for me. The person that comes first to mind is my manager for the past several years and my best friend, Priya, who has consistently taught me a. by example that it is possible to be loved not in spite of  being authentic, but because of  being authentically herself, and b. by encouraging behaviors that bring my whole self, with strengths and faults alike. There are other interactions with people I know, love, trust and respect who taught me that the authenticity is valued, and that the authentic me is worthy of being loved. 

With that, here's an attempt to name the pieces I am writing these days. These are reflections - I write because it documents observations that move me, I write because it is meditative, and it helps settle a turbulent mind, I write because it helps internalize learning. I do also believe that I'm in a growth spurt as personal growth goes - learning to dare, and unlearning behaviors and thoughts that constrain and hold back. I write about what I feel deeply about, and I am learning to feel all the emotions. 

Hop along, have a front row seat, be witness to this journey, and bring out the popcorn!


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