Field Notes from the Self - Fragments, feelings, and the quiet courage to look within.

We don't need ONE women's day, We need a day to care about women's SAFETY From being fed ideas about her identity and potential From molestation, abuse, torture and death. We don't need ONE women's day We need a day to INDULGE her RAGE Her pent-up anger over centuries and generations To fuel an uprising to restore the balance. We don't need ONE women's day We need a day to RECOGNIZE her unique advantages Evolutionary and honed over thousands of generations That her male counterparts can do with a little more of. We don't need ONE women's day We need a day to CELEBRATE how far she's come In spite of the cards stacked against her In a sexist society. We don't need ONE women's day, We need a day to FIGHT for women's EQUALITY In power, authority and responsibility In representation, grace and compassion. We don't need ANY women's day For great will be a day when she can just BE Existing and thriving, with strengths and contributio...

I wanted to go for a walk I didn't want to venture out I dithered and dallied, finally Did decide to step out. The friend I called to speak didn't pick my call. The book I had been listening to didn't call out to me. The song I had recently been binge-ing on sounded wearying. My usual playlist was on infinite skip. Maybe it was the time to just be by myself, with myself. Am I fun to hang out with, time to find out! So off I went, airpods back in case, Walking on, trying to be in the present.  The cold forced me to pay attention, The wind faithfully supported the cause. The occasional car ferrying its driver home, The sidewalks devoid of any people.  My hands found warmth deep in the coat pockets The sliver of skin between the leggings and the boots didn't I kept my head held low, out of respect for the cold, The jacket hood could not keep out the howling wind. With every lamp post I passed I watched my shadow grow longer and shorter Unlocked a core memory Memories carri...

We talk about and reminisce the fun stuff. The happy times in relationship.  With a friend. With a lover. With a manager. Conversation that just flows.  Music that instantly resonates. When you feel like you belong. When you feel loved. What feels easy. Effortless.  We don't speak enough about the hard stuff. Getting out there looking for a job.  A dream job. Or a job for sustenance. Getting rejected at an interview. Being passed up for promotion. Being fired from or laid off at work. Feeling betrayed by your manager.  We don't speak enough about the hard stuff. Taking your ideas into the world. Finding out they suck. Asking for money. From an investor. A friend. Admitting you screwed up. Not being able to return the money. We don't speak enough about the hard stuff. Opening up your heart. Having it crushed into a million pieces. Having to let down love you cannot quite requite. Having to let go of a relationship that isn't working for you. A breakup. A break...

 This blog used to be titled "Musings of a self-confessed geek", and the URL "mostlygibberish.blogspot.com". I had started this blog circa 2008, and the blog identity I had created for my writing reflected my self-perception at the time. As I resurfaced this blog last year, I had been feeling that I didn't like the name. It would irk me every time I looked at the title of the blog, or when I would share the URL with you all. I felt that it didn't fully reflect who I am.  Who I am is an elusive concept I am still grappling with, but I know  that I don't write gibberish, and I certainly do not identify with the geek description, much less the self-confessed part of it. Whenever the annoyance increased, I would ask the question - if not this then what?, and I said this would stay until I organically came up with a better one.  Having been raised in a culture that appreciates humility, especially in a woman, it had become a practiced art to show up as less t...

Over the last several months, I am feeling a pull towards mindful deeper conversations, and a pull away from surface level interactions that we often fill our life with. The vulnerability as well as the kindness in those interactions have allowed me to be vulnerable and open minded. I have learnt to lean inwards towards self reflection. I am learning to feel all the emotions I go through, to sit with them and truly ask what they are telling me, and to be open to the answers, however unpalatable they may be.  A lot of these behaviors are not surprising, given my MBTI type. I am an ENFP - Extraverted, iNtuitive, Feeling and Perceiving. I do derive energy from interaction with people, focus on concepts and ideas, I lead with the heart and don't play by the rules. As things tend to be, each of these dimensions are on a sliding scale. I tend to be a borderline Extravert (is energized by people, but also enjoy quiet time), fairly strong on the iNtuitive dimension (look to the future and ...

Christmas this year was a bit of a non-event. We didn't have any holiday travel planned (thank you peak time pricing), and with my impending travel back home, we are in the get-ready-for-a-six-week single- adult household mood. I love a good Hallmark holiday movie as much as the next person, but I am feeling a sort of ennui from the in-your-face holiday celebratory mood that makes me rebellious against the festive spirit. There is a random "I am not excited for festivals from my religion, why should I be excited for Christmas" mood in the mix as well.  I woke up this morning at 3 am (random general anxiety) and found it really difficult to fall asleep. I read that the 3 am thing was real and there is a link to elevated cortisol (stress hormone) levels and the body thinking it is time to wake up earlier than it should. Sleep finally hit at 7:30 and wound up sleeping the additional three hours afterward.  We had a relaxed day - cooked lunch, ate together as a family, and wo...

Facebook today reminded me of a post (Full post at the bottom) from 2014, nine years ago to the date. In the post, I had referenced the death of a friend, and as well as how poignant the song "The Circle of Life" from The Lion King, a movie I had been watching with my 8-year old at the time, had felt. There were a bunch of comments from friends and family, most of those who didn't know the friend in question. I have been getting these throwback reminders from Facebook of late, perhaps reminding me of a time when I was somewhat active on Facebook. Purely from that standpoint, reading the post did not evoke a whole lot of excitement. However, something about that did touch a chord, and that's why I am writing about it.  I have had difficulty reading long form writing for a while now. I, who would gobble up books at an enviable pace, have been struggling to pick up a book to read, and to finish it if I did get around to picking up one to read. I have been attributing it ...